This is a write up from a trainee in the modified Goetia formula learned from the Mind, Myth and Magick workshop and on the www.mentims.com website. A few details have been removed or changed to protect identity.
Let me first thank you for the teachings in the video series and for guiding me with the preparation. This has been my most confident and most powerful intervention.
A very brief background:
I was diagnosed as per DSM IV as Bipolar II and was on meds for 11 years. I have also spent few weeks in psychiatric ward. I have many qualifications including a PhD in
deleted. I have held several jobs. Last two years I have worked as a ghostwriter (I write very well). I have lived alone for 15 years. I have lived in many places. I succeed in providing for my basic necessities. I self-harm.
Last two years were very rough. I discovered a terrific coach in
deleted of deleted about 8 months ago. I went on to do a NLP Prac (4 months back) and the Master Prac. I received many interventions and I progressively emerged. I don’t use meds anymore. Deep lifestyle changes, attitudinal changes. In my Master Prac I was introduced to Metaphors of Movement. I was in love with it. Also heard about Magick from him.
For the last 8 days, I was on a “retreat” to create new maps for the future when pain struck and then pain overwhelmed me. I realized I had anthropomorphized pain. It was a recurring theme in my life. So I searched for inputs on magick. Rest you know.
Now the ritual.
I entered the circle, the cross, the banishing and then the careful and powerful invocation of each being (resources) into my circle. The beings emerged with so much light and life-size. They stood around me shoulder to shoulder. The circle was engulfed in light. I also included my mentor in the circle.
Then I invoked beings for the Triangle and finally commanded the Entity to emerge in the triangle. I scryed using visualization. It was clear and present. Pain had long legs and broad shoulders and sat inside the triangle with legs dangling. The particles were blue. There were no eyes in his head. I somehow sensed his mouth.
Then I stated I had an unhealthy relationship with him. How could we come to peace between us?
And he answered, “Change yourself.”
It went on and at one point he told me, “I don’t follow you. You call me. I am your friend.”
And I realized the following: I have been lonely from my childhood. I also long/longed to be held. Pain was my closest friend. I would call for him and he would hold me (sounds crazy but if you look at the actual process of how I experience pain – there is a presence whose saturating touch spreads across me). My relation with touch is negative and hence the touch of Pain was the closest acceptable companionship I could conceive of. Pain helped me not feel alone and provided the kinesthetic comfort. The reason why “pain overwhelms”.
My brain had constructed a feeling that responded to an underlying issue and at one point, I had anthropomorphized it. And over years, I was addicted to this relationship.
Now I realized why at the peak of success, I sense pain. I succeed, the work is done, then I realize there is no one around, and I invite pain because I don’t want to be lonely and then the consequences. When I was married or when I was living with my son, I did not have “pain overwhelm” experiences. I never self-harmed around them.
I continued the conversation, asking for pointers on how I could stop calling him over. He suggested the following (he told me there are no magic shortcuts; I have to work hard):
- To improve my self-worth (being lonely is another way of saying I need someone external to say “I” exist and touch is a way by which the weak “I” becomes robust, akin to a bird feeding her chicks) by expressing myself and sharing my skills. Emphasis was first on writing the books that I hover around undecided and workshops I have planned. That it would eventually decrease the sense of loneliness.
- This process would take time, about a year or so, since I have been addicted to friendship with Pain for decades. To start with the books, to keep working on myself, and to take the risks with new projects and share more.
- To travel for few days each month. The visual stimulus makes me less lonely and my brain is happily busy with less time to recognize who is there or not.
- The next time I invite him, I will know he is a friend and be reminded the core reason why he is there. That I would shake hands and not accept a hug.
- He also asked me to move. Move to another city and develop different associations.
- To make other friends in the meantime.
It was an amazing conversation. We laughed and talked. He wanted to leave and I said he could not until I gave him the license to depart. I thanked him for being a friend. He promised to not follow me and if I called him, give me only a handshake from now on. Then I asked him to depart to his right place and whenever I call him to triangle, he must return. Once he left, I thanked all the beings, gathered them in a container and left the circle.
There was a point in the process when it was so intense that I broke down. And my mentor stepped in, tapped on my shoulders and said, “stay focused”. I straightened up and kept the conversation going. And when he left, all Beings in my circle gathered close around me. I was surrounded and strong when I wished him goodbye. The circle was so bright, Andy. Blazing and powerful.
The beauty of the ritual is it is respectful to the issue at hand. I had cognitively shamed and mocked myself before for being in “pain trap”. It had not helped matters. The respectful and equal conversation I had with Pain transformed the negative relationship I had with him and made me joyous to realize my brain could produce something I needed. That at a level, my needs had been validated. That my system was my friend. That I could take care of myself. That is empowering (in a crazy weird way).
Thank you again, Andy. This has been the single most powerful and confident experience I have had.
April 8, 2017